In old age nothing hurts .......!!!!!!

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.

One night the 96-year-old draws a bath.

She puts her foot in and pauses.

She yells to the other sisters,

'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'

The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.'
She starts up the stairs and pauses

'Was I going up the stairs or down?

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening
to her sisters, she shakes her head and says,

'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.'

She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'

'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'

And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing
home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.'

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.
Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.'

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,

'I'll take the soup.'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a
week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
said, 'Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a
long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and
thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is..

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her.

Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,

'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'

'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they
came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went
on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing
it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.'

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through.

The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they
went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said,
'Mildred, did you know that we just ran throughthree red lights in
a row? You could have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving ?'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

THE SHOEBOX...

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little
Old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had
Cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but
One day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said
She would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took
Down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was
In the box. When he opened it, he found two knitted dolls
And a stack of money totalling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.

'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me
The secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that
If I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and knit a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
Happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money?
Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

The Giraffe Test - a brain starter for the day!

How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? 
Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.



 


    
 





 

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way. 


 2 . How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? 











 


 



Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.








 




 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals Attend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?











 
 


 



Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.? This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities. 






4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and You do not have a boat.   How do you manage it?









 

 




 
Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes. According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of theProfessionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers.. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old. 
 

WHAT MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME

• My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
• My mother taught me religion. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
• My mother taught me about time travel. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
• My mother taught me logic. "Because I said so, that's why."
• My mother taught me more logic. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
• My mother taught me foresight. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
• My mother taught me irony. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
• My mother taught me about the science of osmosis. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
• My mother taught me about contortionism. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
• My mother taught me about patience. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
• My mother taught me about weather. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
• My mother taught me about hypocrisy. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
• My mother taught me the circle of love. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
• My mother taught me about behavior modification. "Stop acting like your father!"
• My mother taught me about envy. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
• My mother taught me about anticipation. "Just wait until we get home."
• My mother taught me about receiving. "You are going to get it when you get home!"
• My mother taught me medical science. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
• My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
• My mother taught me humor. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
• My mother taught me how to become an adult. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
• My mother taught me genetics. "You're just like your father."
• My mother taught me about my roots. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
• My mother taught me wisdom. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
• And my favorite: my mother taught me about justice. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

DEAF WIFE....."Priceless"

A man   feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until   you get a response." That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.. So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife  and repeats, "Honey,   what's for dinner?" Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey,   what's for dinner?" Again no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.. "Honey, what's  for   dinner?"  Again there is no response.  So he walks right up behind her... "Honey,   what's for dinner?" scroll down scroll down scroll down "Ralph,   for THE FIFTH time,  CHICKEN!"

7 reasons not to mess with children.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ". A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute." A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill." One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?" The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead." A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty." The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples. It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too

They walk among us!

-------------------------------------------------------------

1.   I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ( Carol Shea-Porter ) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

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2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town . I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts .....''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in South Africa ''

His response -- click..

---------------------------------------------------

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
 

He replied, 'Don't lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!'' (OMG)

----------------------------------------------------

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''
 

I said, ''No.''
 

She said, ''But they look so close on the map'' (OMG, again!)

-----------------------------------------------------

5. An aide for a cabinet member ( Janet Napolitano ) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas .. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

-----------------------------------------------------

6. An Illinois Congresswoman ( Jan Schakowsky ) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m ...., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m ...
 

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

------------------------------------------------------

7. A New York lawmaker, ( Jerrold Nadler ) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
 

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''
 

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca . is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..

-----------------------------------------------------------

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

-----------------------------------------------------------
 

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''
 

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

------------------------------------------------------------
 

10.   Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida ... Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''
 

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.
 

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

--------------------------------------------------------------
 

11.   Mary Landrieu , La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''
 

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express !''

--------------------------------------------------------------
 

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''
 

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''
 

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
 

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."
 

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''
 

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''
 

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

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Now you know why the U.S. Government is in the shape it's in!
 

Could ANYONE be this DUMB?
  

Anyone care to disagree?

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford... 

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" 

 

 

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

JEWISH POKER CLUB

Seven retired Jewish Floridian's were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. 

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other six continue playing, but standing up.  At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks,

"So, who's gonna tell his wife?"

They cut the cards.  Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the bad news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, &  don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet..?  I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet.  Discretion is my middle name.  Leave it to me..!"

Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door.  The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? 

Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.

Learning a new custom.........

A Chinaman decides to retire and move to Australia after 50 years of
living in Shanghai.
He bought a small piece of land . A few days after moving in,
the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinaman running around his frontyard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
 
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to
knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the
Chinaman urinate into a glass and then drink  it. Not wanting to
interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinaman leading a bull down the drive-way, ...pause...., and then  put his  left ear next to the bull's butt.
The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinaman and
says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running
around the yard after hens.The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's butt, it could just about shit on you.'
The Chinaman is very taken back and says, 'Sorry sir, you no
understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.'
'What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian
customs.'
'Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me' replied the Chinaman,
'He say to become true Australian, I must learn to.....chase chicks,
..... get piss drunk, and .... listen to bull-shit.' 

Think before you speak...great jokes

Think before you speak...

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -

the last one is great!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could

immediately take the words back...

or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow

and asked loudly,

"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a bl*w j0b?"

I turned around and walked back out and never went back

My husband didn't say a word...

he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.

I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.

After browsing for several minutes,

I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the

store.

He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with

mens balls"

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and

passed by a store that sold a

variety of candy and nuts.

As we were looking at the display case,

the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."

My sister started to laugh hysterically.

The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.

To this day, my sister has never let me forget..

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon,

my toddler decided to release

some pent-up energy and ran amok.

I was finally able to grab hold of

her after receiving looks of disgust

and annoyance from other patrons.

I told her that if she did not start behaving

"right now" she would be punished..

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as

threatening,

"If you don't let me go right now,

I will tell Grandma that I saw you

kissing Daddy's willy last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.

Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.

I mustered up the last of my dignity and

walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of

laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was

on

him constantly.

One day we stopped at McDonalds for a quick lunch, in between errands. It

was very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my burger, I smelled something funny,

so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter,

she was clean.

Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.

I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".

I kept thinking

"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes

with

me."

Then I said,

"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"

"No," he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was

getting

worse.

Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This

time

he jumped up, yanked down his pants,

bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled

"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their food laughing,

he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better,

thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan in America laughing for 2 days

and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,

in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!

We had a female news anchor that,

the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,

turned to the weatherman and asked:

"So John, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did he have to leave the set,

but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?