In old age nothing hurts .......!!!!!!

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.

One night the 96-year-old draws a bath.

She puts her foot in and pauses.

She yells to the other sisters,

'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'

The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.'
She starts up the stairs and pauses

'Was I going up the stairs or down?

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening
to her sisters, she shakes her head and says,

'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.'

She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'

'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'

And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing
home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.'

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.
Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.'

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,

'I'll take the soup.'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a
week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
said, 'Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a
long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and
thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is..

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her.

Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,

'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'

'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they
came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went
on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing
it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.'

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through.

The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they
went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said,
'Mildred, did you know that we just ran throughthree red lights in
a row? You could have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving ?'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

THE SHOEBOX...

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little
Old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had
Cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but
One day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said
She would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took
Down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was
In the box. When he opened it, he found two knitted dolls
And a stack of money totalling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.

'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me
The secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that
If I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and knit a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
Happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money?
Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

The Giraffe Test - a brain starter for the day!

How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? 
Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.



 


    
 





 

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way. 


 2 . How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? 











 


 



Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.








 




 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals Attend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?











 
 


 



Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.? This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities. 






4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and You do not have a boat.   How do you manage it?









 

 




 
Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes. According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of theProfessionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers.. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old. 
 

WHAT MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME

• My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
• My mother taught me religion. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
• My mother taught me about time travel. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
• My mother taught me logic. "Because I said so, that's why."
• My mother taught me more logic. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
• My mother taught me foresight. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
• My mother taught me irony. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
• My mother taught me about the science of osmosis. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
• My mother taught me about contortionism. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
• My mother taught me about patience. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
• My mother taught me about weather. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
• My mother taught me about hypocrisy. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
• My mother taught me the circle of love. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
• My mother taught me about behavior modification. "Stop acting like your father!"
• My mother taught me about envy. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
• My mother taught me about anticipation. "Just wait until we get home."
• My mother taught me about receiving. "You are going to get it when you get home!"
• My mother taught me medical science. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
• My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
• My mother taught me humor. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
• My mother taught me how to become an adult. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
• My mother taught me genetics. "You're just like your father."
• My mother taught me about my roots. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
• My mother taught me wisdom. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
• And my favorite: my mother taught me about justice. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

DEAF WIFE....."Priceless"

A man   feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until   you get a response." That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.. So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife  and repeats, "Honey,   what's for dinner?" Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey,   what's for dinner?" Again no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.. "Honey, what's  for   dinner?"  Again there is no response.  So he walks right up behind her... "Honey,   what's for dinner?" scroll down scroll down scroll down "Ralph,   for THE FIFTH time,  CHICKEN!"